In a surprise move, the Democrat Party has tabbed Georgia gubernatorial loser Stacey Abrams to deliver their official response to President Donald Trump’s upcoming State of the Union Address. How the liberal powers-that-be managed to settle on Ms. Abrams from the throng of available candidates is a bit of a mystery to me. Obviously, the selection had to exclude the prominent Dems who have declared their intent to run for President, lest the party be seen to be endorsing one yammering socialist over another. Considering how many of them are trying to squeeze into the clown car, that leaves a lot of chaff, and not much wheat.
Still, the wonks charged with vetting the right responder must have dived pretty deep down the list if Abrams, who managed to make mud out of a film festival’s worth of celebrity endorsements, is getting called up to the majors. I don’t know how many people identify as Democrats these days, but surely a few swing heavier sticks than Abrams, one or two might even have won an election.
As a Georgia resident, I got a front-row seat to watch Abrams’ travelling circus of a campaign. From her oddly cavalier attitude about raising everyone’s taxes, to her oddly cavalier attitude about paying her own; her dull-witted babbling about Georgia’s income sources to her even duller-witted babbling about augmenting them by taking more of Georgians’ incomes; her messages of diversity and tolerance to her habit of accusing half the state of practically wearing white hoods to work; Abrams reminded me a lot of a certain “can’t miss” candidate who could and did miss just a couple of years ago.
I can think of quite a few port-siders who would be better choices for the Democrats’ response to the State of the Union. Hell, any random member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors would probably be more entertaining. But here are a Great Eight who could fit the bill:
8. Joe Lieberman. Lieberman is about as welcome in liberal circles these days as tainted acid at “Coachella,” but the libs could use a good, old-fashioned, spanking, and Joe’s just the good, old-fashioned, guy to do it. At the very least, Lieberman would blunt the increasingly anti-Semitic rhetoric from some of the party’s rising “stars.”
7. Amy Schumer. It’s all just comedy anyway, so why not just admit it? If I’m going to watch some fumbling buffoon flop-sweat their way through someone else’s material, I’d rather it be Schumer than that one-off Kennedy a couple years back.
6. George Soros. The truth about this guy lies somewhere between the liberal deification and conservative demonization. While he has extended his tendrils into nearly every left-wing hate group and campaign, he’s hardly Don Corleone. Keep in mind, the convicted criminal has lost some very high-profile campaigns, most notably 2016, on which he burned tens of millions of dollars. Let him come out from what I’d bet is a lair fit for a James Bond bad guy, and clue us all in on his sinister plan. Bonus points if he wears the “Mao” jacket and sports a monocle.
5. Governor Ralph Northam (D-VA). I can’t think of a better woman to elucidate the Democrats’ new endorsement of “post-birth abortion” than a man like Ralph. I hope he does that thing where he tries to walk back his statement by adding “fetal abnormalities,” like that makes it all better. “My fellow Americans, the Democrats do not endorse killing ALL live babies; just the ones who are, like, you know, icky, or weird.”
4. Former President Barack Obama. He can’t run again, but he could come out and read a few pages of the Washington, D.C., phone book, and the Democrats would spend the rest of the year ignoring the declared candidates in favor of an open discussion about repealing the 22nd Amendment.
3. Former President Bill Clinton. He can’t run again either, but he could come out and read of few pages of his little black book, and the Democrats would spend the rest of the year ignoring the declared candidates to reminisce about the 90s.
2. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. If you play the law of averages, they can’t be as terrible as they were a couple of weeks ago, when they bombed like Nathan Phillips at midnight Mass. Of course, if you play the law of averages, they can be much, much worse. At least they’d be memorable.
1. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I’m down with AOC! Let the Democrats lead off 2019 with Lenin’s greatest hits. Everybody’s favorite new communist is a one-woman meme machine. Give me 20 minutes of vaguely threatening Marxist platitudes. Make mistakes that indicate a fundamental lack of understanding of how government works. Promise people you’re going to confiscate their firearms right before you confiscate their income. Draw your line in the dust, Chiquita Khrushchev! Socialism now! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!