President Donald Trump

Thanks for Nothing, Robert Mueller

Years from now, when historians recount the tale of Robert Mueller, Special Counsel, they will remember him as the villain of the story, and they’ll remember the press conference he held Wednesday morning as the moment he pulled off the mask to prove he was the bad guy, all along.  After two years, and $30 million, Mueller staged one of the most closely watched public statements of all time, and publicly stated absolutely nothing substantive.

For $30 million, he’ll be whoever you want.

For $30 million, he’ll be whoever you want.

Instead, Mueller delivered jumbled rhetoric which simultaneously boosted the hopes of both President Donald Trump’s supporters and detractors alike, while dashing them all on the rocks.  Mueller practically dared the Democrats to impeach Trump: "As set forth in the report, after that investigation, if we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said so,” while swearing they should expect no help from him: “I would not provide information beyond that which is already public in any appearance before Congress.”  His verbal fence-straddling essentially forced Trump’s avatars to infer exoneration: “It would be unfair to potentially — it would be unfair to potentially accuse somebody of a crime when there can be no court resolution of the actual charge..” while begging the Democrats to parse his words enough to proclaim he had called for impeachment: “Charging the president with a crime was therefore not an option we could consider.”

It is possible that Mueller was trying to play Solomon, making a statement which gives both sides on which to hang their hopes, perhaps underestimating the level of partisan rancor in Washington has reached the point where anything that doesn’t make the other team miserable is seen as tantamount to treason.  But that assumes he’s surprisingly naïve.  It strains credulity to suggest a man who has orbited near the central core of power since the mid-1970s could believe partisans who hate each other the way I hate cancer would accept his work as Special Counsel as the end of the story.  And it cracks credulity like an egg to suggest a man who has stood as such a legal giant doesn’t know that “we can’t be sure he didn’t commit a crime,” when cast against the system of justice of which he’s been a part for over 40 years, carries the same legal force as “he didn’t commit a crime.”

Instead of putting to rest the single most divisive issue in American politics, Mueller instead hedged every bet.  His refusal to directly exonerate the President of malfeasance jabs Trump, who mercilessly hounded Mueller and his “witch hunt,” right in the nose, while his refusal to directly implicate the President of wrongdoing kicks the Democrats, who abandoned him the moment his report didn’t load their guns, square in the shins.  He even managed to throw some subtle shade into his praise of Attorney General William Barr: “I do not question the Attorney General’s good faith in that decision (to release the entire report).”

By couching his closing argument in ambiguity, Mueller tried to play the Democrats’ Horatio at the bridge, while still casting himself as the Republicans’ Leonidas at the gates. Handed the hottest political potato in decades, Mueller stuck a stick of dynamite in it, and handed it back.  A hero would have held on.

Monday, April 8

And I would’ve gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you meddling infidels!

And I would’ve gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you meddling infidels!

  • Federal authorities have apprehended muslim activist Rondell Henry, 28, of Germantown, Maryland, before he could use a stolen rental van to conduct an “ISIS-style” attack on pedestrians similar to the one a muslim activist used to murder nearly 100 and injure nearly 500 in Nice, France in 2016.  Henry’s failure has reportedly left Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) and their compatriots inconsolable.

  • Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen’s departure has the Democrats throwing rocks at her on the way out, blasting Nielsen for “putting kids in cages.”  The left’s smears have people wondering when they started caring about immigrant kids in cages.  That would be: January 20, 2017, at approximately 12:01pm EST; or about 3 years after Obama started doing it.

  • Liberals are outraged over President Donald Trump’s decision to designate the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps – known to be behind hundreds of islamofascist terror attacks worldwide – as a “terrorist organization.”  They preferred Trump’s predecessor’s approach, which involved secretly airlifting them hundreds of billions of dollars.

  • The libs weren’t done finding reasons to keep the butthurt going.  They also lit into Trump over a year-old clip of him calling MS-13 thugs “animals,” claiming his characterization dehumanizes members of the notorious narcoterrorist cartel.  They rape and murder toddlers, so Imma keep calling them "animals."  But you do you, democrats.

  • Now that their Russian collusion narrative is cooked, the Democrats have reverted to a safe haven for the next round of talking points: Trump’s taxes.  Although their previous efforts in this area cost MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow whatever remained of her fleeting credibility, the left has decided to go back to demanding his tax returns.  And leading the charge: Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA), whose own war on Trump has gone particularly badly of late.  "Welp, the Russian collusion narrative is cooked. What else we got?”  "Umm - we can always go back to the tax return bit." "*sigh* get Schiff to do it. That idiot will say anything."

  • Failed Senate candidate, and current Democrat Presidential aspirant, Robert “Beto” O’Rourke has decided to cast his lot with the new anti-Semitic wing of the Democrat Party.  According to O’Rourke, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is a “racist” who doesn’t “represent the true will of the Israeli people.”  I know when I want to understand the motivations of an Israeli jew, I turn to a wealthy, Irish-American dude who's pretending to be Latino.

  • Former President Barack Obama’s “Apologizing for America” Tour hit Berlin like the Red Army, with Obama informing an audience: "Europe in 2019 in some ways has achieved the pinnacle of human well-being."  The disgraced ex-President failed to note Europe’s rising tide of islamofascist terrorism, and new policies of jailing people for expressing opinions counter to the governments facilitating it.  “You say that like it’s a BAD thing.” – Obama, probably.

  • Caught up in the Jussie Smollett hoax isn’t a problem for disgraced Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx.  Foxx, under fire for bending to political pressure to give Smollett a pass for his byzantine pay raise negotiation tactic, unsurprisingly resorted to accusing her critics of “racism,” although many of her chief critics are decidedly non-white.  Sure Kim; that Chicago PD Superintendent Eddie Johnson is a notorious racist. Go with that.

  • And, in entertainment news, CNN pundit Don Lemon, best known for describing white men as America’s “biggest terror threat,” is engaged to be married – to a white guy.  Gives a whole new meaning to “sleeping with the enemy.”