bernie sanders

Thursday, April 25

“Our internet was two tin cans tied together.”

“Our internet was two tin cans tied together.”

  • Hey-ho, here’s Joe!  Former Vice President Joe Biden finally made his 2020 campaign for President official, breaking the news in a video announcement.  With Biden in the race, the Democrats are now looking at a field led by two white guys older than color television.  The only coding done when these guys started was Morse.

  • Biden is facing some bumps.  Apparently, a white, male, millionaire with a track record of sexual aggression isn’t the savior the Democrats’ new socialist leadership is hoping for.  Sorry Joe, but the part of Bill Clinton has already been cast.

  • But Biden also has some help.  Celebrity lawyer Michael Avenatti, who was a potential rival for the Democrats’ 2020 nomination, proudly gave Biden his endorsement.  While a disgraced attorney might not bring Biden much help, he does give him an inside track to some of his famous friends, like Brian Stelter.  The all-important “CNN pundit” vote.

  • Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tried to grab the spotlight this week by taking on – America’s veterans?  The communist cutie reacted to serious veterans’ complaints about the quality of care provided by the Veterans’ Administration by railing against what she calls a “lobbyist-friendly campaign to trash the VA.”  Who better than a 29 year old whose most intense combat experience was facing the crowd on 2-for-1 craft brew night to explain to actual combat veterans that she knows the VA better than they do.

  • On the same day Texas executed white supremacist John William King for the brutal murder of James Byrd, Jr., Senator Bernie Sanders reiterated his demand that convicted murderers be allowed to vote, even calling restrictions “racist.”  Sure Bernie; say, you wanna go tell Byrd’s family that King is a victim of racism, or nah?

  • Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh is facing renewed calls for her resignation, following a federal search of her homes and office in relation to the scandal surrounding sales of her children’s books.  Pugh, who has been on leave since the scandal broke, is still promising to return to City Hall.  Like all good Democrats, it’ll be in handcuffs.

Tuesday, April 23

1/1024 of my ideas are good.

1/1024 of my ideas are good.

  • Senator Elizabeth Warren is campaigning on free stuff for everyone.  The Massachusetts Democrat announced her administration would make healthcare and pre-K through college free, and would charge off Americans’ student loan debt, all by imposing a “2% tax on the wealthiest families in the country.”  For those of you who remember the 80s, that’s known as the “Underhill’s American Express Card” school of economics.  For those of you who remember anything, it’s known as “theft.”

  • While Warren plans to give away the house, Bernie Sanders has some interesting ideas as to whom to give it to.  The near-octogenarian communist from Vermont wants to ensure convicted felons and terrorists get their chance to dine at the taxpayer trough; informing the audience for CNN’s latest Democratic candidate forum that he thinks denying votes to people like the Boston Marathon bomber and the white supremacist who murdered 9 people in Charleston, S.C. is “suppression.”  As opposed to what they did, which is a lot more than just “suppressing votes.”

  • Senator Kamala Harris has her own plan to appeal to liberal voters.  The former California Attorney General – and current gun owner – says if she’s elected, she’ll give Congress “100 days..to get their act together and have the courage to pass reasonable gun safety laws, and if they fail to do it, then I will take executive action."  Her first executive action would need to be suspending the separation of powers, which will go about as well as her second one suspending the Bill of Rights. 

  • The watchdog group Judicial Watch announced Assistant FBI Director Bill Priestap told them while under oath that the bureau discovered nearly 50,000 emails Hillary Clinton tried to destroy, and they found them in the Executive Office of President Obama. The revelation disproves both Clinton’s protestations of innocence, and Obama’s claim that he only learned of her illegal communications through “news reports.”  “But her emails” reveal there was a lot more than “a smidgen of corruption” in the Obama administration.

  • The Washington Post is worried that there may be consequences from Sunday’s islamofascist bomb attack on Christians in Sri Lanka.  The Post fretted that the “Sri Lanka church bombings stoke far-right anger in the West.”  Freakin' far-right wingers, always <checks notes> angry at terrorists who bomb churches.

  • Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he intends to introduce a resolution naming a new town in the Golan Heights for President Trump.  And that, my friends, is how you own the libs.

  • Disgraced actor Jussie Smollett may be headed back to court.  The Osundairo brothers, whom Smollett paid to help him stage the now-infamous January hoax, have retained counsel, and are going to sue Smollett and his attorneys for defamation.  Damn Jussie.  That’s turning out to be one expensive Subway sandwich.

Tuesday, April 16

Having exploited capitalism to great effect, Bernie sets about ensuring no one else can.

Having exploited capitalism to great effect, Bernie sets about ensuring no one else can.

  • Democrats couldn’t wait to pounce on the fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, exploiting the tragedy to throw firebombs at President Trump.  Appearing on leftist outlet MSNBC, Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) told liberal buffoon Chris Matthews "What (Trump) has done to the Constitution and the rule of law is as bad as that fire did to Notre Dame."  Cohen, who publicly opposes much of the Bill of Rights, declined to cite examples, possibly because he was too busy setting the 1st and 2nd Amendments on fire.

  • Maybe Senator Bernie Sanders (C-VT) should have taken the left’s advice, and avoided appearing on Fox News for a “town hall.”  Confronted by non-softball questions, the ancient communist faltered badly.  In addition to his assertion that making millions of dollars off a bestseller isn’t capitalism, he also admitted his plan to nationalize American healthcare will require “more in taxes.”  Welp, that’s the Bernie show, folks.  I hope they had some lovely parting gifts for him backstage.

  • Anti-Semitic Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) continued whining about the blowback she’s received for her repeated racist comments, claiming an uptick in threats against her since President Donald Trump called attention to her address to islamofascist hate group CAIR, in which she suggested 9-11 was just “some people did something.”  Kinda like the kids from Covington Catholic, except they were falsely accused.

  • As Tax Day passed, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) took one last shot at the wrong people, blaming “Trump’s tax cuts for the wealthy” for the plight of “California families.”  While DiFi ignored the fact that lower refunds mean people overpaid less, she also ignored the fact that “California families” pay more because California politicians take more.  Of course, when you’ve made millions without holding a private sector job, your perspective can get a little warped.

  • DiFi isn’t the only dummy in Californistan.  Controversy has enveloped Laguna Beach, thanks to the police department’s test run of a new decal for their police vehicles which incorporates – gasp – the American Flag.  Since you hate America so much, why not just leave?  Secession is just a vote away!

  • According to Democrat Presidential hopeful, South Bend, IN Mayor Pete Buttigieg, his image has gone from “adorable” to “plausible” in just a couple of months.  That comes as news to most Americans, for whom Petey has yet to reach “identifiable.”

  • Former Massachusetts Governor Bill Weld is throwing his hat in the ring.  The former Libertarian Party nominee has announced a challenge to President Trump for the Republican nomination.  Good luck, Billy-boy.  If you work extra-hard, you might catch up to Buttigieg.

  • Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) rocked the Democrats’ boat, declaring "We do have a problem at the southern border. Democrats should not deny that."  While some suggested the self-proclaimed “Spartacus” is merely trying to set himself apart from his Democratic competitors, I can’t help but notice that Booker suddenly realized there's a crisis at the border right after Trump suggested housing the illegals in his district.

  • And, fresh off publicly destroying Democrat Congressmen Ted Lieu (D-CA) and Jerry Nadler (D-NY) for their attempts to smear her, conservative activist Candace Owens faced down a mob of “antifa” thugs and other liberal who threatened to assault her at the University of Pennsylvania.  The media remained largely silent on the racist, misogynist hate speech the Democrats incited against an African-American woman.  Sorry Candace, but once you step off their plantation, you’re on your own.

Old Man Yells at Sun

While the rest of us were struggling through hangovers and bowl games, Senator Bernie Sanders (C-VT) greeted the New Year with a dire warning: “We must look at climate change as if it were a devastating military attack against the United States and the entire planet. And we must respond accordingly.” 

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While the old boy didn’t specify what that response should entail, I can’t help but notice that the single greatest impactor on the planet’s climate is the star around which it orbits.  Just think, if Bern had wormed his way into the White House 2 years ago, we’d be lobbing ICBMs at the Sun.

As if we needed a reminder that global warmists suck at science.