Thanks for Nothing, Robert Mueller

Years from now, when historians recount the tale of Robert Mueller, Special Counsel, they will remember him as the villain of the story, and they’ll remember the press conference he held Wednesday morning as the moment he pulled off the mask to prove he was the bad guy, all along.  After two years, and $30 million, Mueller staged one of the most closely watched public statements of all time, and publicly stated absolutely nothing substantive.

For $30 million, he’ll be whoever you want.

For $30 million, he’ll be whoever you want.

Instead, Mueller delivered jumbled rhetoric which simultaneously boosted the hopes of both President Donald Trump’s supporters and detractors alike, while dashing them all on the rocks.  Mueller practically dared the Democrats to impeach Trump: "As set forth in the report, after that investigation, if we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said so,” while swearing they should expect no help from him: “I would not provide information beyond that which is already public in any appearance before Congress.”  His verbal fence-straddling essentially forced Trump’s avatars to infer exoneration: “It would be unfair to potentially — it would be unfair to potentially accuse somebody of a crime when there can be no court resolution of the actual charge..” while begging the Democrats to parse his words enough to proclaim he had called for impeachment: “Charging the president with a crime was therefore not an option we could consider.”

It is possible that Mueller was trying to play Solomon, making a statement which gives both sides on which to hang their hopes, perhaps underestimating the level of partisan rancor in Washington has reached the point where anything that doesn’t make the other team miserable is seen as tantamount to treason.  But that assumes he’s surprisingly naïve.  It strains credulity to suggest a man who has orbited near the central core of power since the mid-1970s could believe partisans who hate each other the way I hate cancer would accept his work as Special Counsel as the end of the story.  And it cracks credulity like an egg to suggest a man who has stood as such a legal giant doesn’t know that “we can’t be sure he didn’t commit a crime,” when cast against the system of justice of which he’s been a part for over 40 years, carries the same legal force as “he didn’t commit a crime.”

Instead of putting to rest the single most divisive issue in American politics, Mueller instead hedged every bet.  His refusal to directly exonerate the President of malfeasance jabs Trump, who mercilessly hounded Mueller and his “witch hunt,” right in the nose, while his refusal to directly implicate the President of wrongdoing kicks the Democrats, who abandoned him the moment his report didn’t load their guns, square in the shins.  He even managed to throw some subtle shade into his praise of Attorney General William Barr: “I do not question the Attorney General’s good faith in that decision (to release the entire report).”

By couching his closing argument in ambiguity, Mueller tried to play the Democrats’ Horatio at the bridge, while still casting himself as the Republicans’ Leonidas at the gates. Handed the hottest political potato in decades, Mueller stuck a stick of dynamite in it, and handed it back.  A hero would have held on.

Monday, April 22

Be on the lookout for “some people.”

Be on the lookout for “some people.”

  • Terrorism struck Sri Lanka over the weekend, as muslim extremists bombed churches and hotels, targeting Christians celebrating the Resurrection.  For Easter? They really shouldn’t have.  At least now we know what to get them for Ramadan this year.

  • While the attacks, which killed hundreds and injured hundreds more, were roundly condemned across the globe, the Democrat/media complex worked hard to obscure key facts about both the perpetrators and the victims.  Observers couldn’t help but notice news reports mentioned neither the Islamic religion of the bombers, nor the Christian identities of their targets.  It’s the Ilhan Omar style of reporting: “some people did something in Sri Lanka.”

  • Outrage from all sides as Broward County, FL Sheriff’s deputies were caught on video brutally subduing a young black man who had apparently done nothing wrong.  Remember when the same guys hid in the bushes while the Parkland massacre went down?  Hey liberals: hate to say we told you so, but..

  • Senator Elizabeth Warren tried dealing her fading campaign back into the 2020 game, announcing a plan to use the taxpayer’s credit card to pay off nearly 95% of all Americans’ student loan debt, make college “universal” and “free,” and pay for it with tax increases on the American people.  Gonna charge snowflakes’ “gender studies” degrees to John Q. Public’s American Express Card.  There’s a winning plan.

  • The “Green New Deal” may be dead, but New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio is trying to reanimate its corpse in the Big Apple.  DeBlasio told the MSNBC morning gabfest Morning Joe “We’re going to ban the classic glass and steel skyscrapers, which are incredibly inefficient.”  DeBlasio also promised million dollar fines for building owners who drag their feet rebuilding their structures.  I know he’s the mayor of New York City, but has this guy ever seen New York City?

  • Media outlets have begun casting Special Counsel Robert Mueller as part of some nebulous conspiracy to shield President Donald Trump, even harassing Mueller and his wife as they tried to leave Easter Sunday service at their church.  Guess the left’s love affair with Mueller is over.  And I thought those kids had a real chance.

  • Coming soon to Netflix: Knock Down the House, a documentary about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and other feminists’ 2016 House campaigns.  Just a small fee, and you can enjoy a few hours of Chiquita Khrushchev and the junior Politburo talking about themselves.  Or you could scoop out your own appendix with a melon baller.  You still have freedom of choice – for now.

  • And, just because the Mueller Report didn’t deliver them Trump’s head on a platter doesn’t mean the Democrats can’t still dream.  The New York Times ran an op-ed this morning, calling for Trump’s impeachment.  You can beat that horse all you want, libs.  Hell, you can even saddle it up.  It’s still dead.